The Internet Is Terrible

World’s Highest Mario Jump (performed by “jihadjerry”) From: gamesmasterjasper

Forward: You’ll have to excuse the poor quality of the video. I ripped it directly from a years old betamax tape (the one this amazing feat was originally recorded on) that was not in the best of shape. This was recorded in 1999 and is footage of Super Mario Bros. for the original Nintendo. If you excuse the poor quality of the audio and video, though, you will observe one of the most shocking and amazing acts of gaming ability the world has ever seen.

For years, Jerry (or “jihadjerry” as we have dubbed this lovable Muslim) had attempted to achieve the unachievable. Everyone said he couldn’t do it. His friends said he couldn’t do it. Shigeru “Shiggy” Miyamoto said he couldn’t do it. And unfortunately I, one of his closest gaming companions and friends, said he couldn’t do it. His mission? To jump impossibly high in the original Super Mario Brothers.

Every year we gathered around the Nintendo for a party, dusted it off, and played all the old classics and every year, without fail, jihadjerry would attempt to make his jump. It became a tradition, sip on a cold Game Fuel and watch Jerry sweat up a storm as he tried to jump to the top of the map until he inevitably gave up in frustration.

But something was different that day. There was a cold calculating in Jerry’s eyes, perhaps a sign of some gaming epiphany he had had the night before. His eyes, usually bright and cheerful, were calculating and stern; a determined look that we had never seen in him before. The only thing he even said that day was “I’m making my jump tonight.”

We sat around the Nintendo, watching as Jerry turned it on and picked up the controller. There was a certain grace, serenity in the way he held it, as if he himself weren’t lifting it, but perhaps Allah. He quickly jumped over the first goomba, made a few practice jumps, and then made history. Aside from our radio playing in the background, there was complete silence. We watched in awe as Jerry jumped into the baby blue sky and beyond the edge of the map like a scene out of “Angels in the Outfield”.

Never in my life have I truly KNOWN the essence of silence until Jerry landed. There was no sound, no “Who Let the Dogs Out” or Nintendo noises. Nothing. Complete silence. We had just seen years of determination, practice, and an intense love of gaming culminate in a matter of seconds. We weren’t even overcome by a sense of joy or gladness. Only catharsis. Jerry had just shattered every single gaming record. jihadjerry had completely reshaped the way we thought about games.

And then we exploded. An outpouring of every single emotion conceivable; ecstasy, relief, love, happiness, and yes, even hate. Although I can’t prove it, gamers from halfway across the state claimed to have heard our shouts of gaming jubilee. It didn’t take long for news of Jerry’s gaming accomplishment to spread to the newspaper, and then the local TV station, and then across the globe. jihadjerry had become a gaming VIP overnight.

He enjoyed his fame. He still does. He signs autographs regularly and went on a world tour. He met Nobuo Uematsu and Shigeru Miyamoto and Hideo Kojima. There was even an anime called “Shisamaru no Jump! Jihad” based loosely on his historic jump.

But where is jihadjerry now? True to both his gaming and Muslim roots, Jerry has founded a gaming madrasa. “I just feel like it’s what I was meant for,” jihadjerry explains. “I mean, the jump was great, yeah. But this is what I’m here for. The gaming madrasa is what the Lord put me here for.”

Whether or not you agree with Jerry’s controversial jump, one thing remains true: this is the Mario jump that completely changed the way the world games. Never before has a jump changed the course of both gaming and human history on a dime, and for this we have only to thank jihadjerry.

LETS START A VIDEO GAME WAR

G”M.J.”’s “World’s Highest Mario Jump” is Fake - Embedding disabled by request, faggot.

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